Archive | June, 2010

Unmet

15 Jun

I want so many things, it’s frustrating.  Many many things.  contradictory things.   Big things, little things.  Life-changing things and inconsequential things.  But I’m a grown-up (most of the time) and I know that wants aren’t needs.  Know that my wants can’t possibly all be met.  Know that sometimes the wants and needs of others have to come before my own. 

The wants that I have are so varied, so changed, I’m afraid I no longer know myself.  I’m really afraid I never actually knew myself.  And I live by the tenant that to be happy, one must know oneself.  I think that knowing what motivates you, knowing why you do the things you do, makes life easier, happier.  But if I can’t figure out what I REALLY want, do I know myself?

Things I want:

  • A baby
  • To be a stay-at-home-mom
  • To be able to go where I want
  • To be able to buy what I want
  • To have all the lovely dates with The Judge I can handle
  • To be successful
  • To be financially comfortable
  • To live in the downtown of a big city
  • To live in suburban Joliet
  • To never leave Indy
  • To own my grandmother’s house
  • To live in the house The Judge and I bought
  • To install new flooring
  • To never ever do another thing to this house but sell it
  • To travel the world
  • To never leave the beautiful haven of a house I created
  • To be thin
  • To eat the things I want, whenever I want
  • To be near my family
  • To never leave The Judge’s family

The list goes on and on.  I’m sure there will be things I regret not putting on the list the moment I hit publish. 

But most of those things can’t be.  At least not together. 

Part 1: The Baby and Home Life

I know, know, so desperately, that I want a baby. Okay,  babies.  Fine, many, many children.   And I want to stay at home with them.  Raise them.  Be a homemaker.  A maker of a home so beautiful and comforting, you feel happier and at peace just crossing the threshold. 

Guess what? 

#1 – The Judge does not support the idea of SAHMs.  He thinks (not unreasonably, I guess) that marriage is a partnership and that work should be divided equally.  And by equally he means straight down the middle.  You do half of the parenting, half of the homecare, half of everything.  And he’ll do the same.  And this will “free us up” to both work full-time as well and that way, no one “has” to stay at home. 

#2 – I like to live well.  I like stuff.  I’m not the hugest fan of scrimping and saving.  Even if the Judge was okay with the SAHM thing, he doesn’t make a fortune.  If I wasn’t working, and he didn’t find a better-paying job, we’d be down to 55-60% of our income.  I don’t know if I could do that.  I don’t know that I could cut what we live on, the activities that we do, down by 40%.  If I get to be a SAHM, but Junior would have to sleep in a dresser drawer and we had to eat PB&Js everyday, is that the kind of sacrifice I’d be willing to make?  If I didn’t get the chance to eat out or go somewhere or whatever, would I start to hate my life a little?

#3 – I like my job.  I mean, do I wake up everyday impatient to get right back to the office?  Nope. But I do like it.  I’m well paid.  I get to be in charge of things and people.  The work I do serves a larger purpose and helps people.  It can be quite satisfying. 

#4 – Could I really do it?  Could I really stay at home and not leave for other things?  Not have the chance, daily, to be fulfilled by something that wasn’t home or family?  Sadly, I can’t know the answers to those things before I experience them.  I won’t know until I try.  But what happens if I try and it turns out I was fooling myself?  That I hate being home?  That I can’t handle the washing/cleaning/babyminding/mending/etc?  That I would, in fact, rather share those things and work? 

I know that these are questions faced by a lot of young marrieds.  I know that I come across as selfish and demanding.  But this is how I feel.  And I can’t talk through it with the Judge; he’s on a multi-day jury trial this week. 

Coming soon –  Part 2: There’s no place like home, unless home is somewhere else.   Wherein the author tries to reconcile her love of the city with the reality of her life. 

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It’s Friday, my darlings!

11 Jun

This weekend is busy for me.  Good busy, not bad surgery busy like last weekend.   This evening is the Italian Street Festival.  Tomorrow, the Kidney Foundation Walk with my mother-in-law followed by a birthday party for a friend.  Sunday though?  I have nothing planned.  Sounds heavenly. 

So, what about you?  Is it humid and awful where you are too? 

Enjoy your days off, lovelies.  See you on the flipside.   

Children are our future

9 Jun

1) It’s been a while and this may be old news to some but if you haven’t heard anything by the band Phoenix, you should.  Soon. 

2) Click here to see the most amazing cover of “Liztomania” by a public grade school chorus. 

3)The video makes, I think, a great pitch for why arts and music should never, ever be cut from education.  Ever.

Spiraling

8 Jun

I am feeling a little bleak. A bit bereft. Depressed even. Gah.

Friday I went to the hospital for a surgical procedure. Related to Item #6 – Address my Health Concerns. Specifically the trying to get pregnant health concerns. It was just a lovely little D&C, nothing major. I was there for less than 6 hours.

(Sidebar: This all took place at the hospital I work at. Which was super strange. I mean, I work there. Everyday. It was weird to enter the front door as a patient. To lose the control of being an employee. To not have my badge of importance and belonging pinned to my chest. Everyone was wonderful and my care was suburb, but I don’t think I’ll go back. For surgery, I mean. I’m here for work, obviously.)

Since then, I’ve been in a weird place. It’s not that I was/am in huge amounts of pain. (Even though it is/was a little painful.) And it’s not like I was inpatient for days. Somehow, though, I feel this strange sense of depression. Of having lost something. Of not being quite right. I don’t know if it was the extra sleep or not ‘doing’ anything all weekend, but I just don’t feel like me.

I don’t like it.

Today, I Am Here

3 Jun

I am out of the office and this is where I get to be.